Yup, I went MIA and now getting back to (or perhaps for the first time) actually informing the world of who I am, or more honestly, who I've become.
So, who am I? And why did I take a step back?
The most lasting and profound aspect of my education at Naropa University was SELF COMPASSION. Why? Because it's fucking revolutionary. Most of us are just walking around being dicks to ourselves every single day without any real awareness about why or where these cruel and torturous words and behaviors stem from.
My journey has been long and continues to lead me towards mindfulness, hypnotherapy, and actually giving a crap. What better way to find out the why and the where than jumping deeply into the subconscious mind, the place where all our belief systems reside, cozied up with hot cocoa (okay, mostly whipped cream) and a Christmas Lifetime movie... in June.
This shit is scary. Good scary and scary for real. Knowing the deepest parts of myself felt like dreaded and exhaustive work, even if it had always come naturally. Because this time, I had to be gentle on myself, relaxed in my body, and kind with my words. See, personal development has always been my favorite hobby (or more realistically my 80-hour-week full time job). But it had also always been my favorite allocation of self hatred. I essentially flogged myself on the daily, whipping my thoughts and feelings into categorical boxes to be sorted.
Self Inquiry Became Self Harm.
And boy was I good at it. But just like a classic recovering codependent, I didn't want to stop this behavior, or even witness it, until I saw it was harming others. My projections became shadows tripping my feet. I saw myself standing in front of a mirror in every conversation of polite judgement. My carefully curated insults were absolutely and always directed at myself regardless of my partner/sister/mother standing before me.
I needed to step away.
With this observation, again I turned inward. Over time and paired with my hypnosis and continual mindfulness training, I could hear an old friend finding her voice at the Inside Out control console in my pre-frontal cortex. She said, "Hey there, Lil' B. We have work to do. You ready?" And without shame, guilt, or blame (and with an extraordinary therapist) I did not battle, but instead befriended the parts of myself who wanted all that control. Oh, yes, the work is ongoing. And I'm grateful I took the precious and expansive time to get to know each member of my support team up in that brain of mine. And with as much self compassion as I can muster on the daily, I choose to name it, know it, and heal it.
So my point is this. If you're looking to befriend all the various and diverse parts of yourself and honor the wholeness of your being, then we might just be a solid match. If you're looking for kindness, compassion, and revolutionary self love, then I am possibly the coach for you. If you'd like to be belittled and made to think that someone besides yourself is the expert on your life, then move right along. I'm not the expert on you. I just happen to have a diligently organized Tuff Shed-sized tool box filled with resources that I don't feel like hoarding to myself anymore.
I wish I could say, "Be well. Be kind." But honestly, fuck that bypassing. If that's not you today or not you just yet, well, I invite you to Be You.
P.S. Who have I become??? More like... Who am I becoming? Stay tuned. More self inquiry, insight, and honesty coming at ya!