Tip Me Over & Pour Me Out

Similar to a teapot full of earl grey tea on a snowy afternoon, I found myself empty, caput. This last month alone has been rough, let me tell ya. Death, decay, and being around family who are wildly different than me. Coming from childhood trauma, family is super duper complicated. Some days I miss certain members of my bloodline, and other days I think about castration. But that’s beside the point. I was/am running on fumes and thought I’d take a gander at the ways in which I’m maintaining my self care... Journal, journal, journal. Ponder, ponder, ponder.  So I noticed I’m definitely filling myself up, but how and with what? I was (maybe still am) living off of mashed potato packets (can’t be bothered to make the real thing), frozen burritos covered in Cholula , and maple sugar oatmeal. At least I can notice. At least I'm paying attention. Self awareness can lead to self compassion. My uncle’s death was the catalyst to see my own cliff. Alcoholism runs through these veins, from both sides of the family (#blessed), and I was on the edge, no, not of glory. A glass of wine a night isn’t alcoholism (or maybe it is), but the mindless habit for the use of sheer numbness seems a bit unhealthy (at least for me, no judgment). Conclusion, I made it two weeks sober. I wanted to make it three and that seemed difficult with the holidays, for multiple reasons. Regardless, I have a choice, I can shame myself for my failure and excuses, or I can hold my hand like my partner does; soft and curious. I’m curious about the why. Why couldn’t I keep that commitment to myself? Why is discipline so hard for me, especially in regards to this body of mine?  I don’t need to have an answer today. I’m satisfied with the uncovering of further questioning.  With regard to my self care practices and the how of filling myself back up, I'm still weeding through the path of discovery. The irony of all this self care talk is that the collection of photos from my IG post (the inspiration for this blog post) were taken in February. That’s right, social media is a lie and I partook in this ridiculousness!!! Thing is, this post was inspiration for my own damn self. I needed a beautiful picture of a past event to spark what I’m capable of giving to myself. I can slowly lower my naked body into a luxurious bath with a Lush bath-ball because I’ve done it before. If I do it for the Gram, I might be able to actually do it for myself in real life. Maybe, I’ll keep you updated. ;) Question now is, how am I filling myself up today? Well, I chose a super cozy sweater to wear today because I knew it would feel good all day long and remind me of being under the sheets with my honey bear, cuddled and cozy. I’d say that’s self care, because I get to choose how to take care of myself each day. And if one day that glass of wine is the thing that cares for me the most, so be it. If on another it’s the problem I need to address? Well, then that just makes me fucking human.  Peace in, honies.  -B

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